Helping Others Heal

"Tell me and I forget; show me and I remember; involve me and I understand."

- Benjamin Franklin

Many of us are dealing with friends and family members who have grown up in dysfunctional homes and relationships. Many in our world are post-traumatic stress victims of verbal, sexual and physical abuse. Our hearts often reach out to these people, wanting to share the healing love that leads to improved self-esteem.


The greatest loss and greatest pain to carry through life is a lack of self-esteem, a lack of self-love, a lack of self-appreciation. Those of us who were victims of this awful dis-ease and have found healing will feel our hearts sob when we see another suffering from these pangs of self-doubt and even self-loathing.

Can we make a difference?


How do we make a difference?


How do we become the wounded healers helping those who have not climbed out of the abyss of self-doubt?


First, we must look at how we healed. What or who made a difference in our lives? What did that person do that helped us find a new vision of ourselves as valuable, creative, productive individuals?


Usually, a wounded person does not hear the good that negates the learning of the past, but is instead tuned into the messages that perpetuate negative beliefs. So when we directly say to such an individual, "You did a great job" or "You are special," they may brush it off as untrue. They may even think that we are up to something. People are suspicious of that which does not confirm to their perceived reality.


This leads us to the most important step in helping others: Develop trust. Let your real intentions of care and love be proven through your actions, and not your words. It also helps to keep repeating the words "Trust Me." This becomes a mantra and an affirmation that will slowly seep into the unconscious of the person that you are choosing to help.


Also, do not start to work with a person who is in this type of emotional suffering unless you are truly committed for the long haul. If you are supportive and kind for six months, and then run off after another victim to rescue, you will just end up confirming to the individual that they truly are not lovable, and that the world is not to be trusted.


You can make a difference, but it will take time and a commitment to being there along the path as the person learns to make new choices and create new attitudes about his or her self. Depending upon the abuse, the age of the individual, and the authenticity of your actions, this could take quite some time. So realize that healing relationships may take two years or twenty years. Make sure before you choose to intervene that you are ready for this experience.
Involve the person in their journey to self-love. Create situations that are progressive in difficulty, but choose in the beginning challenges where the person has a limited chance of failing. Here is the important part. Don't be a gushy "you did wonderful" reinforcer. Instead, keep your comments simple and direct, and reinforce the actions as opposed to saying something general about the person like "you are great."



Look for opportunities when you are in the presence of others to talk about the individual, and explain what a good job he or she did on a project. Be specific. Do not tell the individual that they did well. Express the quality of your wounded friend's progress to others in his or her presence.
Don't be afraid to make corrections when an individual does something incorrectly. If all that you say is peaches and cream, the individual is not going to believe you. To make corrections, criticism must be presented in a constructive manner that deals with the actions, and not the person. For example, "Helen, I like the way you write, but I think you might be more effective if you used shorter sentences." Or, "Jane, do you think that the way you made the crust for that apple pie would make the pot pie flakier?" Then next time the two of you are out together, casually mention to another friend, "Jane is one of the best bakers I have ever known. Her flaky crust made last night's pot pie unbelievably yummy."



Constantly looking for ways to positively reinforce increasingly complex behaviors and doing this in front of others will make a difference over time. Criticism that is targeted toward an action and not a person, and precluded by a positive statement, will also make a difference over time.
All people want to do well and please others. Anything else they do is some form of self-protection. Think about it: no person would have low self-esteem if the thoughts and beliefs of others were not important. Thus your greatest tools in helping a friend or loved one heal low self-esteem are:

1. Develop Trust.
2. Create progressive tasks that you reinforce in front of other folks.
3. To change behavior, use criticism that addresses behaviors or actions, and not the individual.
4. Love unconditionally. It will be evident in your interactions.
5. Be aware of the commitment that you are making to help, and be honest about whether or not you can make a long-term commitment. Make sure you are not just inflating your rescuer ego.


You can also help others on a subconscious and spiritual level:


1. When you think of the individual, imagine them surrounded by the golden light of pure love.
2. When you feel hurt by another's actions, in your heart forgive them and forget.
3. In your heart affirm that the individual is better and better every day in every way.
4. Write a list of everything good about the person, and put it in your love journal.
Remember! Do all with love. Expect no personal reward except the sharing of love and the satisfaction of seeing a person begin to walk on the path of healing and love. Each of us can be an earth angel.

"The greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches, but reveal to them their own." -

Benjamin Disraeli